Let’s Play… with Matt Leacock! Part 3
Welcome to the third part in our series of adventures against Matt Leacock’s co-operative games! In part 1 we managed to cure a whole disease in Pandemic! In part 2, the Forbidden Island sank beneath the waves leaving us awkwardly treading water…
Chris: You know, maybe we shouldn’t play on Legendary Difficulty for our first try of a game.
Matt: Yeah… maybe play on easier difficulties a couple of times, until we know what we’re doing.
Thom: Go big or go home, guys, come on!
Matt: Right. And how’s that working out for you?
Thom: At least I got the golden lion.
Marc: I’m glad we found this inflatable dingy. Just in the nick of time!
Chris: Where do you think we are? Sure is hot under all this sun. Hey! Anyone fancy a game of Lifeboat?
Matt: It IS hot under this sun. Do you think we’ve drifted south? Feels like we’ve been drifting for ages.
Marc: Hold on, I see something! On the horizon! Is it land??
Thom: Quick! Everyone start paddling!
Chris: It looks awfully yellow… and what’s with the spinning clouds?
Matt: The Storm… Guys, I know where we are. It’s the Forbidden Desert.
Thom: Seriously? Another Forbidden place? It’s like its some kind of sequel or something.
Forbidden Desert – Legendary Difficulty
The desert extended as far as the eye could see. Rolling dunes with dotted rocky outcrops, vast and unknowable. After an hours desperate paddling our small boat rocked up onto the beach and we pitched out on to the sand. While we were relieved to reach land, the challenge of surviving this terrible environment faced us.
Thom: Hey guys! I found these water canteens! They’re full too.
Marc: That’s a good start!
Upon closer inspection, the dunes formed the strangest of shapes. What I had first taken to be nothing more than a rocky outcrop showed distinct straight edges, as though it had been carved or constructed.
Matt: This is the Forbidden Desert –
Chris: You said that already.
Matt: I just need to get my train of thought together ok? Once a great city lay here, built by a technologically advanced culture.
Marc: Are you talking about the Egyptians? Cos’ I don’t see no pyramids.
Matt: No, not the Egyptians. No one knows their name…
Thom: Oh! How convenient.
Matt: Look! The point is they apparently built an airship, capable of flying us out of this mess! Perhaps we can find it.
Marc: Have you been out in the sun too long? This does seem a little convenient.
Matt: Sssshhhh! Just sit down and play the game.
Far to the south, a swirling mass of clouds covered the land in darkness. Lightning stabbed down to Earth and the very desert itself appeared to rise into the sky.
Thom: That storm really doesn’t look too good…
Matt: The area is plagued by these vast storms. They have caused many an archaeological expedition to disappear without trace. It’ll get worse before the end…
Chris: It’s already a horrifying maelstrom!
Marc: Ooo… Maelstrom. Nice word.
Thank you.
Chris: So, we need to find a fully functional airship, in a forgotten city, that’s buried beneath the desert.
Matt: While avoiding being buried alive by the storm or running out of water.
Marc: The four of us.
Matt: Yes.
Marc: I mean, we’ve not got the best track record so far.
Thom: Go big or go home!
Marc: I would be ok with going home right now. Can I go home?
Matt: Only once we’ve found the airship! I’m sure we’ll be fine this time. Here: we have some roles to help us. Thom, you can be our Navigator.
Thom: But I’ve never been here before.
Matt: Not important! But you can move people around. Marc, you can be our Water Carrier. You can give water to people on adjacent spaces.
Marc: The desert doesn’t have spaces. What do you think this is some kind of board game? Ha ha ha.
Matt: Well this desert does! Also you can –
Marc: Ah ha ha ha.
Matt: Draw water –
Marc: Ha.
Matt: …
Marc: …
Matt: Draw water from wells. Very useful!
Marc: Back in a minute…
Thom: Where’s he going?
Matt: Chris can be our Archaeologist.
Chris: Do I get to wear the hat!?
Matt: …sure. You can remove sand twice for every dig action you do. Because that’s what archaeologists are known for: digging really quickly.
Feel the burn archaeologists!
Thom: And what are you Matt?
Matt: Oh, I’m glad you asked Thom! I’m the Explorer, I can move diagonally.
Chris: Why do you have a machete in the desert Matt?
Matt: I… don’t know Chris it’s just what’s printed on the card!
Chris: But a machete isn’t much use in the desert Matt –
Matt: Listen, I’ll show you what you can do with a machete if you don’t stop asking difficult questions!
At this point Marc comes back in the room carrying 4 glasses of water.
Marc: I’ve got the water ready!
Not even kidding.
Thom: So. What do we do first?
Matt: Well… start searching! Find the airship. Or the parts we’ll need to put it together. But we should probably try and find –
Chris: It’s not in one piece!? We need to put it together!?
Matt: It’s a Matt Leacock game, of course it’s not in one piece! We really need to find some shelter first or the sun’s going to kill us. There are probably some tunnels around here somewhere…
Thom: Right! Let’s get this going! Matt, Chris, go that way.
Chris: My legs! My legs are moving without my control! Thom how are you doing this?
Thom: I’m sorry Chris I can’t hear you, I’m too busy revealing this awesome clue!
Chris: Well you can take your clue and stuff it ‘cos I’ve found a clue and a tunnel!
Thom: I moved you there I should totally be allowed be allowed to claim it.
Marc: Matt, why are mummy and daddy fighting?
Suddenly a break in the clouds opens to reveal the blazing sun. TWICE!
Chris: Ow! My pale archaeologist complexion can’t take much more of this sun!
Marc: Water carrier to the rescue!
Bounding North, Marc passes water to Chris from the safety of the tunnel.
Marc: Phrasing!
Sorry.
Chris: aaah that’s better.
His relief was short lived, however. The next two cards reveal the burning sunshine AGAIN.
Matt: Gasp … pant … water! Need… Water!
Thom: Me too. And it looks like the remains of Chris’ hair might be on fire.
Matt: We need to hit up an oasis, but which one?
Marc: At least there’s no more sun in the deck!
Thom: I could move everyone together on the central oasis… we just have to pray it’s not a mirage.
Chris: There’s no way to check yet?
Matt: We have no equipment. Ok, I’ll meet you all there.
Thom: Right, Chris, Marc get over here, and I’ll flip the tile. [sarcasm] We’re making such good progress [/sarcasm]
Chris: That weird feeling in my legs is happening again.
Marc: Doesn’t that always happen when you’re around me?
Thom: So! If this isn’t water we’re screwed and it’s only round 2! Ready?
Matt: Great. 2 in 3 chance. We’ll be fine.
Marc: Hey, I’ve got three water left, it’s you guys who are in trouble!
Chris: Thanks Marc.
Thom: OK I’M FLIPPING IT!
Matt: Oh Thank God.
Chris: Would you mind filling me up to the brim Marc so I can hopefully survive a little longer?
Marc: Goodness Chris at this rate I’ll have to go top up from the kitchen, er… I mean the oasis, which is fine… because I’m here.
Chris: I’ll dig to the East then since we’re stuck back at the start. Ooo! Another tunnel! Gasp! And a jetpack!! I’ve always wanted a jetpack!
Matt: Well just take care of it ok? We don’t have many.
Marc: Ok, everyone I’m passing more water.
Everyone: Phrasing!
Marc: And filling up. Let’s hope we can catch up.
Matt: Oh man look at my diagonal skills go. Ok! We’ve got another clue, but still no pair of clues for an actual part.
Chris: Urgh the storm’s picking up speed!
Thom: I’m going to clear the SW corner… it’s a goldmine of technology but no clues. I’ve got a jetpack and a solar shield.
Chris: grumble not as good as my jetpack grumble grumble. Ok, I’ve found a time throttle. Hey maybe it’ll make this article go faster!
Not likely
Matt: We are rapidly running out of sand.
Marc: We’re in the desert Matt! Last thing we’re short of is sand!
Matt: No, the sand tiles from the storm. We’re about to be buried alive!
Marc: Oh. Right. I’ll clear some sand then and come hide in the tunnel with Chris since we’re back to the start of the deck of doom.
Chris: Oh, why hello Marc.
Matt: Ha! The sundial piece! In the top left corner… that’s so far… wait, what’s that moving across the sky? Is it a… bird?
Thom: Duh duh duhhhh! Duh du du da duh duh duhhhh!
Matt: Damnit! That’s not the cue! Is it a plane!?
Thom: I’m sorry I can’t hear you over this awesome jetpack! WOOOOOO! I’ve got the sundial! And oh! Here’s the final piece of the tunnel!
Matt: So we’re all safe! Let’s hope for lot’s of sunshine while we’re in the tunnel.
Thom: No, no just sand… lots of sand.
Chris: And now it is time for Chris the intrepid archaeologist to shine! Clearing sand at full throttle!
Matt: Where did you get that whip… is Marc OK down there?
Chris: He’s fine!
Marc: I found the landing pad!
Matt: Marc! You’re OK! We were starting to worry…
Marc: Why? I’m sat right here.
Matt: Well, you and Chris in the tunnel for such a long time… and the whip…
Marc: …
Matt: It’s funny because –
Thom: Seriously, still no sun? Damn you game! Damn you.
Matt: Ok we desperately need to find those final clues… but I just found a dune blaster. At least I can clear some big piles of sand!
Thom: Me too! Still no clues but I can at least buy us some time Burffffftpwoooosh. That’s the noise a dune blaster makes right?
Chris: Oh God not my legs again!
Thom: I’m moving you closer to the sand piles Chris. We need them clearing!
Chris: Oh God. He’s marching me into the sun! Traitor! Thom’s the traitor!
Matt: This game doesn’t have a traitor Chris! It’s just that hard.
Chris: I’m digging. With my burned and blistered hands. I hope this makes some difference!
Marc: Well you’ve cleared two tiles. God, please let the storm stay away!
Chris: We need these clues right? I’ll use these magical sunglasses
Matt: The terrascopes
Chris: There’s one under there! Right I’m nearly dead, emergency jetpack airlift to the tunnel for meeeeeeeee!
Thom: The storm just reached 5!
Matt: I can barely hear you over the howling wind!
Marc: Gasp, dying! Need water.
He runs desperately to the nearest oasis and flips the tile…
Marc: Oh God a mirage!
A collective groan passes round the tab – through the desert!
Matt: I’m going to search here I guess, Thom you can get Marc to a tunnel right?
Thom: Sure! I’m up next. We just need there to not be any sun!
Matt: Woah! Ok, I found a water reserve! I can top up whoever is on my tile. I’ll also clear this area of sand so we aren’t buried. Hopefully the storm will stay away.
Thom: Right, Marc, get here, take this shield, and go to Matt.
Marc: I er, right.
The storm turns threateningly and makes a beeline for our recently cleared area.
Matt: …
Marc: …
Matt: Did the storm just go back and forth across our cleaned stretch of desert.
Marc: Yep.
Matt: From the other side of the board.
Marc: Yep.
Matt: Unbelievable.
Marc: Yep.
Chris: Just keep digging… just keep digging…
Thom: I think the sun is getting to Chris…
Marc: Look the rotor! I see it to the North!
Thom: How is the storm moving every tunnel away from where we need them!? Seriously game!!
Matt: The engine! I’ve found the engine clue! It’s… under the biggest pile of sand in the game.
Marc: And the storm just hit 6…
Thom: Oh God the sand! So much sand!
Matt: We just need to dig…!
Chris: Just keep digging…
Marc: It’s too late we’re being buried out here!
Thom: I can’t reach the ship parts! God sand everywhere! Where am I!?
Matt: Argh…!
Marc: …
Chris: Just… Keep….
Thom: …
Matt: …
To Be Continued…?
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